To My Little Sister’s Future Boyfriend

so i have been watching a lot of spoken word poetry lately and i thought i would give it a go. so hey people, introducing Clarie’s first ever spoken word poem…drum rolls please. anyway, here we go.

hey kid, i know what you are thinking
you’ve hit the girlfriend jackpot!!
pretty face, an away father, no overprotective brothers in the horizon.
slow your role dude,
there is a diabolical big sister in the background.
oh, did i mention her dad owns a rifle?
well, has access to one, but what difference does that make?
i know you don’t believe me
but you haven’t seen me
and when you meet my crazy hair, daunting eyes
how rarely my lips curve into a smile
you better not have second thoughts
because most people find me disturbingly intimidating
and yes, i have made it my life’s mission to intimidate you.
so when i ask what your name is,
i wont be listening to count the syllables
or what accent the letters fall upon
i will be fast forwarding to a time
when she walks into my house shattered
and i hope she doesn’t utter that name
and when i ask what god you believe in
i won’t be interested in whatever deity you ascribe to
none will do just fine
but when i let her walk you down the street
hold her hand like you’d cling on to dear life
and pray to that being you mumbled as your god
that he gives you the patience to respect her
that your brain will understand her when she says no
that above everything, you’ll be her friend
her go-to guy with good news
the shoulders she’ll cry upon when life throws her sadness and disappointment
the chest she’ll trust to fall asleep on when she has nightmares.
for me, make an ally of me and you’ll have an accomplice for life
which i must warn you will be a difficult battle
but i just might let you win
and here’s how you do it,
if i ever hear you promise to treat her like a princess,
kid, build that goddamn castle.

yours truly,
Clarie.
PS; my name is assumed to mean clear or clarity. i hope this threat, i mean letter, was one of those things to you.

to my nine year old sister, Crystal. i love you with every cell in my being.

i believe

i believe if i knew where i was going i’d lose my way
i believe that the words he told you are not your grave
i know that we are not the weight of all our memories
i believe in the things that i am afraid to see

hold on
hold on

i believe in the lost possibilities you can’t see
and i believe the darkness reminds us where the light can be
i know that your heart is still beating, beating darling
i believe that you fell so you could land next to me

hold on
hold on

i believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
and i believe that your head is the only thing in your way
i wish you could see your scars turn into beauty
i believe that today it is okay not to be okay

hold on
hold on

cause i have been where you are before,
and i have felt the pain of losing who you are
and i have died so many times but i am still alive

this is not the end of me
this is the beginning
-Christina Perri-

gut over reason..

so today i choose to trust; to feel and to get hurt. to love even those people i have been told i should never  waste my sights on. to believe that they would never disappoint me. actually, i know they will but i want to give them the benefit of the doubt. to let the past stay there. i choose to give humanity a second chance, to see the good in people. to put myself out there and see just how badly i could get wounded. to smile at strangers and try to mean it when i say, ” nice to meet you”. but most importantly, i am sticking by those friends. the ones people just won’t understand how i get along with. the ones who will steal my airtime and not even have the decency to call me. the ones who will get on my nerves so bad i could throw them off a cliff. i am forgiving the ones who have let me me down, the ones who have gave the word betrayal a whole new meaning. but really, i am choosing to feel and maybe someday, i could get to say, ” i was here, i lived, i loved.” after all, you won’t find faith or hope down a telescope. or heart and soul in the stars. the only thing that really ever counts is what you did with what you felt. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting go

to choose too look away
turn your back and never around
to lose the door and throw the keys
locking yourself in your pains
choosing to stumble in darkness
to hope to find your own light
to accept that a little pain is healthy
and a little distance is eye-opening.

to choose to put yourself first
to say no and pretend not to feel guilty about it
to hold back a helping hand
just once in a while, demand for something in return
a little respect, appreciation maybe
to look him in the eye and mean it when you say you don’t care.

to terminate all memories
trick your brain into believing you’ve forgotten
to wipe your tears and lie that’s its the last time you cry over bastards
deleting dutifully mastered contacts
to collect your wandering thoughts
redirecting them anywhere but to him
hysterically laugh yourself to sleep and yourself yourself that you’ll be stronger tomorrow.

to pick yourself and
to get things done and move forward
to force a smile and say, ” i am happy for you.”
waiting for time to validate that lie into the truth
to focus,or at least fixate on literally anything else
to tell yourself it hurts less even when it kills you
hoping against hope that someday it will be a distant memory.

to grow up a little
and love yourself more than him
to set that bar high
and settle for nothing else
to look before you fall
then fall with a little grace
and learn to take the joys and pains with a lot more maturity
for this too shall also pass.

i said it people, i did.

We all have annoying traits. Mine would be that I am finically proper. Actually, it doesn’t bother me. But it frustrates most people I know. But I guess what frustrates them the most is how I will go on and on about something I don’t like. Not that I give a hoot. And a lot of these people should not. If only they tried and saw a few things from my perspective.
1. Littering; every time I see people irresponsibly discarding stuff I have this urge to ask them, “who is your mother?” or “which school did you go to?” I mean, what is so hard about carrying that bag of crisps for kilometers, if need be, until you find a dustbin? Okay, I realize that sounds a little hectic, but I do it all the time and I am still alive!! You know I used to pick up my friend’s garbage every time they threw it anyhow until I realized that wasn’t helping issues. So one day, I noticed this guy drop a yoghurt can, I picked it up and walked up to him, handed it over and said, “I believe this is yours. How about you grow up a little and find a dustbin to put that in?” he did not take that nicely, but heck, that was my intention. So you’ve been warned, the next time I notice this sort of immaturity, I am going to ask you who your mother is. Knowing Kenyans, most of you won’t take that nicely. But relax, it means, “who raised you?” and you know come to think of it, if she didn’t teach you to put garbage in the right place, what else didn’t she do?? But the better question would be, if you didn’t learn to put garbage in the right place, what else didn’t you learn??

2. Courtesy; just yesterday, I was telling a friend that I hate it when people bump into me and don’t say sorry, or yell something like, “ look where you are going!!” how about you go where you are looking for a change? But it’s not just that. Why can’t we all say thank you, or please excuse me?? Now that I have mentioned it, if there is one thing Kenyans should learn is that “excuse” is not synonymous with “please excuse me” especially when the former is said in a spectacularly brief yet rude fashion. Simple courtesy will go a long way people.

3. Phone etiquette; so I misdialed some numbers and ended up calling you. Why on earth are you screaming at me? I have apologized for my mistake. What else do you want from me? And the other side of this same coin, you misdialed some numbers and called me. I have explained repeatedly that I am not Karanja from Karatina yet you still insist and even go as far as calling me rude, or something about forgetting my roots. Sure, my voice isn’t the softest of sopranos, but this I am sure about, I do not sound like a Karanja from Karatina. Would you please do both of us a favour and believe me when I say that?

4. Jumping queues; so I understand the rest of us look like idle clowns waiting in line for a chance to see the manager and entertain him. Maybe he could tip us, or better yet get us connections with the human resource guy of the circus that just opened in town. And yeah, you are the only one with pressing issues, but we got here first. So would you have the decency to go to the back of the line and wait for your turn? If anything, you look more dignified. Who knows, you might even inspire the rest of us clowns to hope to be like you someday.

5. Keeping time; I have mentioned before that I am not the best when it comes to social cues but this I know, 1.00pm means 1.00pm. Or at least it does to me. So please don’t waste my time. And if you are going to be late, would you please text or call to inform me? Or did you lose your phone together with your sense of time? And now that I said you should text or call. I did not say, you can lie to me. Telling me you are stuck in traffic when the good Lord knows you haven’t even left the house. It’s childish and annoying.

6. Texting: first, I hate it when people shorten their words while texting me. Why can’t we just write every word in full? Isn’t it more adult and mature? But that’s okay. I can stomach that. What I cannot handle is how people replace s with x. “xaxa, xema” what the hell? So I am a little dumb. And I may not remember a lot of the things I learnt in kindergarten. But I am sure I would remember if the teacher said we could replace s with X. Another thing would be the inappropriate use of smileys. I think it’s funny how people think a smiley at the end of every sentence makes everything so much better. For example, “you have a big head.” seriously, what the hell??

But then again, my friends say I have issues. Lots of them.

EVJ…

Esther Vushya Julius..

so i am going to use this name as an adjective, for as much as i try, i cannot seem to find an adjective that will aptly describe the friend you’ve been…and hopefully will remain.

Esther is for that graceful air, its been five years and i still cannot wrap my head around how you keep that up. how you hold so much in and not crumble down. how you look so different from the rest of us. but most astonishingly, how you love the emotional mess that i am. and yes, i said you love me.

Vushya is for your unique beauty and talent. how intelligent and skilled you are. how you stay so true to yourself amidst pressure to be so many different things.how you know what you want and just won’t settle for less, no matter how unrealistic the rest of us think it is. how you remind me to shoot for the stars. how you believe in me even at my dumbest. how, we just don’t do average. and i don’t say this often, but i am so proud of you..very proud of you.

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yeah, that’s Vushya..i could not have said it any better

 Julius as every surname represents is who you are and where you’re from. and to me, that’s pretty much friends and family. and that’s everyone that you are going to make so proud. i can’t wait for you to blow our minds away.

talk of goofiness
talk of goofiness

i am going to miss those…my impulsive side-kick, my partner in crime( as trite as that is), but most importantly, that one person who never gets tired of reminding me to eat. heaven knows i would starve if you weren’t around. and i have a feeling, i will be starving this coming semester.

and i am going to stop here, i am thoroughly drained off emotion. you have that effect on me. as short as this was, hope it gives you an idea of just how much you mean to me.

bye EVJ.

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And what is a Vushya package without a little Maya Angelou?? plus, its exactly what i hope you do.

conversations with my life

sometimes i wish that my life would consult me before it made some decisions. like today, it made me cry, and usually i don’t ask why because my life usually gives me ridiculous answers like, ” sometimes it is better not to know the answers.” but today i thought i deserved to know why and as expected, my life said the most outrageous thing ever; ” it is to make you stronger. to teach you valuable lessons.” i was so mad i wanted to tell my life that sometimes i don’t need lessons, and yeah, sometimes i am cool with being weak , but of course i bit my tongue because i did not want my life to think i was being immature and ungrateful. but all in all, i love my life, after all, we go way back. and in spite of its emotionally draining antics, i know my life has my best interests at heart. or so it claims.

of introverts

so i promised myself that i would never use this blog as an avenue to make people understand me better, but let’s face it, what really are blogs for?? but i feel like i owe it to my kind( and by my kind, i mean introverts), to explain just how our world works. this is because i have had a rough few days, and i wont lie, i am feeling super emotional right now. i cannot believe how biased and unfair people can be, just because of my personality type. so this is just a few of the things i think people should know about introverts before they get all judgmental and harsh.  and i think its sad that i have to write this at this day and age when you can look up literally anything in the internet. so how don’t people understand that being an introvert is as good, if not better, a personality type as ambiversion or extroversion. so here we go.

we thrive in low- key environments. by this, i mean that we are energized  by being alone or with very few people. crowds make us sick and exhausted. i for one love solitude. its time to think and get lost in the adventure that our intelligent brains are. for me, there is nothing more annoying than my mum shouting at me to go sit with everyone else in the living room when i was having the time of my life in my room just staring into space or fantasizing about stuff that i wont tell you. but yeah, i daydream a lot. but it is in those moments of solitude that i write great blog posts, or develop controversial opinions about a lot of things, lets say, religion. speaking of which i find it close to impossible to place unconditional belief in the existence of an unseen being. but i digress. my point is, we are most productive when we are alone, and i think everyone is.

what on earth is small talk?? how do you chat about the weather and latest fashion trends, or that party you went to?? seriously, how does that work?? small talk drives me crazy. so i just dont indulge those. and i know this is a bad habit, but i usually just zone out. and most introverts will. this is because we are deep people. we’d rather talk about the objectivist philosophy or that Dan Brown novel that a lot of my pretentious christian acquaintances condemned me for reading. but thats just me. all i am saying is, if you want to spark a conversation with an introvert, please talk about interesting, intelligent things. stuff that the world actually cares about. or else, you are going to think we are disinterested or arrogant because we will just go quiet or have a bored expression expression on our face. and then youll think we are stuck up. but we really are nice people.

we do not hate people. on the contrary, we love people. i believe everyone is unique in their own way. in fact, we are very observant and we notice even the tiniest details in people. a case example, is i can recognize my friend by the size and shape of their nails. but i guess that’s easy because i have very few friends. i can almost count them on one hand. and it is not because, i do not like having friends, i just like them in extremely small doses. and it could also because i have to think we have an intense emotional connection to even consider you my friend. a lot of times, i just have people i know. and dont get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with these people. i just happen to take my time to feel anything at all. so i am not indifferent because you are a horrible person, i just don’t feel very safe opening up to people. but we are the best friend anyone could ask for. we are superb listeners and we wont interrupt you until you are done ranting about your problems and you can be sure that when we finally speak, we have thought it through. but most importantly, we are as loyal as it gets. we know how hard it is for us to get to a point when we can comfortably call someone a friend, and we will therefore do anything not to screw it up.

social events aren’t exactly our cup of tea. yeah, we love dressing up and going out every once in a while, just once in a while. only a lot of times, i want to leave as soon as i get there. you see, social gatherings come with strangers and with strangers come misunderstanding, and with misunderstanding comes emotional and mental exhaustion. and as any normal person, we need to get our energy back afterwards. only we do that by staying away and out of reach for days or even weeks on end. or we will be hanging out, having a grand time, and then i run out of energy. i will go quiet and probably zone out. i will have a blank expression on my face. and then i stop trying to respond to every question that is directed to me, and i no longer have the energy to express the right kind or even quantity of emotion needed to sustain a comfortable conversation. and then, i will get out and go for a walk or just head home to sleep or read a book, or write a blog post. you know, just be alone.or if i stay, i will put my earphones and listen to music, or read a blog, you know, just pretend that all of you dont exist. though quite frankly, i wont be pretending, i get so lost in my bubble, you stop existing. please understand that you did not say anything wrong. when i am quiet, i am not upset or angry or hurt. so please stop asking me why i am suddenly all silent. it is exasperating. and when we get awkward and act all detached and alone, just give us some time, we’ll be back after a little recharging.

we love talking to people. just get me interested, and i wont shut up for days. if i am not talking to you, it is not because i am shy, or socially inept, i just have no idea what to say to you. a lot of times people say things and i just look at them hoping they dont expect me to say anything. but when i start speaking, thou shall not interrupt me. wait till i am done before you contribute your two cents. and a lot of times, we break between talks to collect our thoughts, before we go on. so when we start speaking and pause mid thought, it is not a chance for you to jump in and try to fill in the awkward silence. in fact, we don’t find the silence awkward at all. the best you can do, is wait for a few minutes for us to finish our thoughts and speaking, in that order. but our most annoying habit, is how we ignore phone calls or texts. first, my phone is always on silent because a buzzing or ringing phone gives me anxiety. its the dreaded sound of someone seeking to engage in small talk. and a lot of times, i don’t feel prepared to chat. so a lot of times, i just sit there, pretending to debate on whether i will pick it up or not. i say pretend because i have usually decided pre-hand that i wont receive it. but i understand that communication is an essential part of being human, so i usually end up in front of the mirror pep talking myself into calling you back, as well as rehearsing what to say to you. and then finally, at strange hours of the night, i will call you back and hope against hope that you don’t pick up. and about those texts, i promise to write myself a note to text you back, and ask you whats up, hows school and who you dating, though candidly speaking, all i wanna do is switch off my data connection and watch a documentary on national geographic. and in the spirit of being candid, there are people i love talking to. and occasionally, i call them and we talk for hours.and yeah, for those people, i text back in a matter of seconds. and i hate saying goodnight to those people. so yeah, you just have to know what buttons to push.

and finally, we are very in touch with our feelings and emotions. i am a very intelligent girl and i realize it would make more sense to use my brain to make decisions but i just don’t want to.it does not feel real enough. a lot of my decisions are based on how i feel about something. and i hate it when people tell me not to let my emotions cloud my judgement. a lot of those times, i get the urge to tell them if i did not let my emotions cloud my judgement we wouldn’t be friends in the first place. but don’t get me wrong, a lot of my decisions are rational and reasonable. and i can confidently say that i do not speak out of anger. a lot of times, whatever i say to someone when angry or hurt, is the same thing i could have said when i am happy and calm. but almost all the time, we walk away. why? because we need time to process our emotions. so do not get mad when we do not ant to resolve that argument we just had. we are not being childish, or holding a grudge, we just need time away to think and decide how we feel and how we want to go about it. and that i believe is the best way to resolve conflict.

but you know, we have our flaws too.but it would be nice for people to understand where we are coming from before they decided they didn’t like us.though if you are anything like me, you wont even notice that they don’t like you, unless they are spectacularly cruel about it, as some people have been to me these past few days.