Best friends forever??

So I just found my ten year old sister making a card for her best friend. It had this BFF acronym splashed all over it.  I think it’s cute; cute as hell. You get? Because hell is not cute.
*high-fives my left hand with my right hand*
*has a sheepish green on my face*
*cries myself to sleep for being so lame*
So, BFF, huh? First, this is one of the cheesiest things I have heard in my life. Do not get me wrong, I believe in the concept of having a favourite friend. I think everyone needs a best friend. I just do not believe in forever. Especially not when it involves another human being with free will, ambition, direction, life.
Maybe I am just cynical but I do not believe anyone can get forever with anyone. Come on, what is this, the notebook? And that scares me.  Because my sister is ten. I remember being ten. Ten is the year I became who I am now. We had just moved into a different town. I had no friends. I only had my sister, whom we spent more time fighting than being each other’s support systems. But my sister is good with people, so, she didn’t really need me. Ten is the year my childhood ended. Ten is the year I became a loner.  Ten is the year I began to prefer books and music over people. Ten is the year I taught myself to look hostile. Ten is the year that I learnt to ignore people, tune people out. Ten is the year I taught myself to be self-sufficient. Ten is the year I lost the person I occasionally try to be. Ten is the year that broke me. Ten is the year I broke myself. For my sister, ten is just another blissful year in her childhood. Another year to laugh and make memories. I will admit, I am kind of jealous.
And maybe that is why it is so hard to watch her have such faith in people. Because I lost my faith in people when I was her age. Because I learnt of impermanence and the human capability to break their promises when I was her age. Because I stopped believing in forever when I was her age. Because I know that a few years down the line (god forbid), she won’t be bffs with whoever this card is for. And that is the hardest thing one can ever live through. Severed relationships. Because people don’t always keep their word. They stab you in the back, they move away, they die. But the worst kind is those friendships that just fizzle and die. No major fight. No nothing. You just talk less and less until one day you see them across the street and they are just total strangers. And you rack your brains for something to tell them, and a tense wave is all you can manage. It is things like these that put a fist through your heart. And in some ways, I feel like she is setting herself up for heartache and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. And that is the second hardest thing I am going to have to live through.

tut

do you my friend, do you.

So I have been thinking a lot about fitting in. and can I just say, I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself. I can finally say I have gotten to a point, at least mentally, where I do not care about fitting in. About what’s cool and what isn’t. About what everyone is doing on a Friday night. I just don’t care. And if that isn’t growth, I don’t know what is. Why am I making a big deal out of this? Because these past few months have been a little rough. Let’s just say some things happened and some parts of me started feeling like I should be more like everybody else. Stupid, huh? I think so too. And yes, I want to sit here and pretend I am one of those people who don’t have issues like these, I certainly want to pretend that lame issues like these do not get to me, but I would be lying. And the good god knows I do not want to lie about the biggest lesson I have learnt in my life. And that would be; do not ever let anyone tell you, or worse make you feel like who you are is not good enough. Trite I know, but it is so important.

See, I know what’s it’s like to be different. And I just don’t mean different, I mean awkward, strange, quiet, interested in all the wrong things, insane, too emotional, incapable of getting along with more than a handful of people, not even the ones that mattered. And I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture by now. And I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like a failure, a disgrace to humanity. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like a disappointment. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in a room of people and all I could see in their eyes is their inability to comprehend how someone mechanical like me could even exist. So I guess it goes without saying that I am not much of a conversationalist. And who could blame them? I am the kind of person who walks into a room full of people and it doesn’t occur to me that I should greet them. I am the kind of person who sees someone I know across the road and looks away, hoping they go away. I am the kind of person who will turn right around and go the other way just because I do not want to run into some old classmates. And yeah, for the first fifteen years or so of my life, I did not know that was wrong. Anyway a few lectures from my aunts, and I am kind of working through it. Because yeah, courtesy is an elementary part of being human. I get that.

What I do not get is these past few months. Because I swear to god, I have tried to be normal. I have said hi to people I didn’t know. I have let my friend’s friends hug me, because apparently, hugs are not intimate things as I thought. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just met someone, you have to be polite and hug them even though most of them are perverts who just want to feel you up. And yeah, I also learnt you are not supposed to take offence when they do that unless you want to come off as a bitchy prude. Seriously, bitchy prude? How do these two words even fit in the same sentence? I have also learnt that you are expected to go to some party just because some people you just met know this host. And what’s worse, you are expected to get drunk, and give some random guy a lap dance, then pass out on a stranger’s bed. Speaking of beds and strangers, am I the only one who thinks beds are sacredly personal and only a selected few are allowed to sleep in yours? And I also learnt that if you do not do any of these things, you are just not fun. And what’s worse, is people judge you, and they don’t care to know past your name. Which is probably a good thing because what would I tell them even if they bothered. That I think fun is a personal concept. And for me, my ultimate idea of fun is just me in the house, listening to my music, drinking my tea, reading my books, watching my comedies? And don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with drinking. What is wrong is writing some people off because they like to do it in the house, with friends they can make fun of and roommates they can tell dumb jokes to. What I am trying to say is that we are into different things and I for one would love it if just once, somebody understood that. Because I am tired and pissed as hell of being judged and misunderstood. Because, yeah, it hurts.

But all the ranting aside, I’m just going say this, do you my friend, do you. Do not ever let anyone tell you that it is socially unacceptable to break dance in the middle of the road even though you are horrible at it. Unless you might cause an accident, then don’t do it. Do not ever let anyone tell you that speaking to yourself makes you look crazy because guess what, we all are crazy anyway, at least you are embracing it. And more importantly, never surround yourself with people who make you feel imperfect, like you need to work on yourself, like you need to do the things they do to be complete. Please, do not ever change for anyone. Unless that someone is you. Because as far as I am concerned, the only thing that’s wrong and socially unacceptable is intentionally hurting someone else. And that’s my golden rule, never ever intentionally hurt someone else. And if you ever do, as you will, apologize and do everything in your power to make it up to them. That being said, be your different self and watch everyone else a few years later try to get there. Because that’s the thing with life, people spend a lot of their years trying to fit in and then one morning they wake up and realize that living life by some set of standards is just bounding and not fun anymore. And then they spend the rest of their lives trying to be different. And that’s where we weirdos win in life.